This post originated from an RSS feed registered with Java Buzz by Charles Miller. Original Post: Performance Reviews: A Guide for the Borderline Clinically Depressed Feed Title: The Fishbowl Feed URL: https://fishbowl.pastiche.org/atom.xml Feed Description: tail -f /dev/mind > blog Latest Java Buzz Posts Latest Java Buzz Posts by Charles Miller Latest Posts From The Fishbowl

Weeks One-Three:

• Receive notifications of impending review
• Ignore email and hope it will go away

Week Four:

• Receive reminder of imminent deadline
• Skim instructions and open review form
• Stare blankly at form for ten minutes
• Feel the weight of all your co-workers surrounding you
• Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
• Close review form

Week Four (Friday deadline):

• Inform employer you will be late in to the office
• Open review form
• Try, unsuccessfully, to think of a single worthwhile thing you have accomplished this year
• Try, unsuccessfully, to think of a single worthwhile thing you have accomplished since you came equal-first in the school piano competition in year 8
• Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
• Grab a soothing beer from the fridge
• Go to first Nine Inch Nails song in iTunes.
• Press play

Week Four (Friday deadline, 3pm):

• Bow down before the one you serve.
• You’re going to get what you deserve.
• Bow down before the one you serve.
• You’re going to get what you deserve.
• HEAD LIKE A HOLE! BLACK AS YOUR SOUL!
• I'D RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU CONTROL!

Week Four (Friday deadline, 6pm):

• Count empty bottles
• Stare at still-blank form
• Feel deep hatred of all those people who don't spend their days in a black pit of self-loathing, and curse their ability to say nice things about themselves seemingly at will
• Text significant other and ask her to grab more beer on the way home
• Make a note to file the day as Annual Leave

Week Five:

• Receive reminder that deadline has passed
• Worry that the fact you always miss these deadlines will count against you in your review

Week Five (later…):

• Receive second reminder that deadline has passed
• Find an empty room in the office where nobody is within looming distance
• Open form
• Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
• Find some way to write “I did OKish… I guess?” in as many words/numbers/slider widgets as is required by the process
• Hit submit
• Count down the minutes until it is socially acceptable to have a drink

Week Six:

• Receive notification that feedback is now available
• Ignore email and hope it will go away

Week Six (Review Day):

• Realise that calling in sick isn't going to help anything.
• Swallow down wave of nausea and panic
• Open feedback document
• For any negative feedback, take as an affirmation of your worst fears
• For any positive feedback, dismiss it because, you know, the process forces people say at least one nice thing about you
• Go into face-to-face review
• Reiterate “I did OKish… I guess?” in as much time as is required by the process
• Buy more beer on way home